Welcome, 2017, welcome

I am relieved to be in 2017 and still pregnant. I know it's tiresome to blame all bad things on 2016, but really, it was a relentlessly bad year and I had no plans of becoming a mother in it. I am not under any illusions that 2017 will be any better politically- it will likely be worse- but it still feels cathartic to leave it behind. This past week I woke up every morning feeling anxious about getting through the day still pregnant, and went to be relieved that another day had passed. In between, I tried to eat as much as possible and get up from the couch as little as possible.* The first day of this year corresponds to the first day of my 28th week, officially the third trimester. It would still be scary and dangerous for the twins to come any time in the next few weeks, but likely less of a crisis situation than if they had come before this week. I will be further relieved in two weeks at week 30, and would calm down about preterm labor almost completely at week 32. That would still be two months early and require a long NICU stay, but I have greatly adjusted expectations now. It would also be great if the twinnies were not present for the travesty of January 20th.


Of course, the other big issue is whether my doctor will induce me early regardless of how long I can carry because of baby girl's growth rate. This is a bigger fear than going into labor prematurely. I think I'll have more information on that after an appointment on the 6th. I am very much dreading it. The longer I stay away from doctors, the better my anxiety levels. I have bad dreams about people chasing me and trying to take the twins from me. I wonder if I should get third or even fourth opinions. I am trying to comfort myself with the knowledge that in the dozen or so sonograms I have had, they have never found anything wrong with either of them. She is just growing slowly, but still steadily. There is no reason (in my non-medical opinion) to think she'll continue to do anything differently. She has been at least a week smaller since the first ultrasound at week 6. My doctors don't seem to pay attention or care about my theory that she implanted later and is just younger, in addition to being a smaller baby than her brother. But I still think it's true.


*It seems like I did this, but in retrospect, over the past week and a half, I left the house for dinner four times, went to the movie theater and grocery store, hosted a brunch, and had friends spend a couple of nights in our house. Perception of time and activity is weird. I would sometimes feel bad about being out and about but I am not on bed rest, just "limited activity," which is a vague and nebulous state.